Do It for Your Good, Not Mine

Since years ago, my partner and I agreed never to do things or claim to do things solely for the other’s sake. We learned early on the various harmful effects this could have on our relationship. Over time, we realized the massive applicability of this principle to all interpersonal relationships.

We learned this lesson through quite challenging processes. For many years, my partner and I were in a long-distance relationship due to our academic and professional pursuits. There were multiple occasions when we struggled with the idea of taking a less preferred option just to be together, often feeling, “I am doing this for you.” When things didn’t go well with the less preferred choice or the relationship, quarrels often conveyed a sense of insufficient appreciation for the sacrifices made. On the other hand, the accused might feel they had never asked the other person to make that sacrifice. Even when things didn’t go particularly wrong, the assumed favor receiver might feel relentless pressure to repay the favor, especially when the “sacrifice” was implied or explicitly reminded from time to time.

“I gave up my career to raise your children.” “I work so hard to give you a comfortable life.” “I give up having fun with my friends just because you don’t like it.” “I help you do house chores.” You have probably heard these kinds of statements between couples or even said some to your partner. You might also remember your parents saying similar things to you: “I made decisions for you for your good”; “I pushed you so hard for your good”; “You should be grateful for what I have done for you.” I have seen students choosing a major that was a terrible match for them, such as medicine when they were afraid of blood, because of parental instructions. Even between friends, you might have experienced friends wanting you to return favors because they thought they had done some for you, though you might have never asked them to or even realized what they claimed to have done.

All the aforementioned by no means suggest self-centeredness in relationships but emphasize taking responsibility for every action and decision we make and acknowledging what those intentional behaviors help serve us. For example, quitting your job to be an at-home parent should be because of the greater importance of this choice for you (e.g., you want your children to have better parental care) at the time. If you feel forced to quit your job by your spouse, then you should not do it, because the behavior will not benefit anyone involved. Similar cases can be seen in parents in miserable marital relationships who decide not to get a divorce because they assume it is for the good of their children. Literature has long shown greater damages of acrimonious marriages on people, including children, involved than amicable divorces.

Recognizing that we undertake actions because they help us achieve something important enhances our appreciation of these efforts and leads to greater fulfillment. This awareness is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.